Amnesiac - Radiohead

...do not make sense, and Amnesiac certainly does not make sense. I aim to prove that by making the electronic wibblings on this record, Mr. Yorke may have made a record so terrible that even the Stereophonics would have difficulty plumbing these depths of despairingly bad music."

Defence: "Objection your honour - my client feels that comparisons between his band and the Stereophonics are totally unjustified as Kelly Jones ...
.../> Yorke: "Oh no, the Amnesiac version is far superior, full of warmth and life and, I think you'll notice, guitars. The change from the spooky sounding verses to the reassuring chorus is a lovely sequence I feel."

"I call my second witness to the stand. Mr. Divine Cheese. Mr. Cheese, I believe that you found the next track, Like Spinning Plates to be reminiscent of a dream you once had in which you report to have ... more

"Thomas Yorke, you have been bought before this court on the charge of perverting the course of good experimental rock music with your release Amnesiac, which the prosecution feels is an overblown, masturbationary effort to please yourselves, distance your band from melody and alienate your fan-base. These are indeed serious charges, and if found guilty of them, you will be led from this courtroom, to a place of prog-jazz-rock, where your head will be ceremonially thrust between your own buttocks. How do you plead?"

Yorke: "Not guilty."

Case For The Prosecution - Johnny Cochran
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Aphex Twin is an avant-garde recording artist who makes electronic music of a high standard. Aphex Twin does not make sense. Radiohead have consistently recorded albums which attempt to emulate Aphex Twin, which does not make sense. Radiohead do not make sense, and Amnesiac certainly does not make sense. I aim to prove that by making the electronic wibblings on this record, Mr. Yorke may have made a record so terrible that even the Stereophonics would have difficulty plumbing these depths of despairingly bad music."

Defence: "Objection your honour - my client feels that comparisons between his band and the Stereophonics are totally unjustified as Kelly Jones is still unable to spell "Sampler".

Objection upheld.

"Your honour, I would like to present to the jury exhibit A, Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors. Mr. Yorke, exactly what were you attempting to do with this track. Give people a bad headache?"

Yorke: "Well actually..."

"This track has actually captured the sound of a bad migraine, and I think you will agree that no-one in their right mind wants to hear this sound."

Defence: "Objection. Surely the harsh velocity and vocodered voices speaking of being trapped bring out the uncertainty and fear in my clients mind. This song is, as my client has said on numerous occasions, like standing in the fire and is more the sound of an electron rushing round a circuit, going through a variety of electronic components. Even the sound of a thought, with the doors representing communicative blocks?" - Objection upheld.

"Your honour, I would like to call to the stand my first witness, Mr. Humphrey Lyttleton. Mr. Lyttleton, is it true that in the year 1999, Mr. Yorke approached you to help make his 'concept album about withdrawal from society'?"

Humph: "Yes, that is true. He wanted me to play trumpets on the final track, Life In A Glasshouse."

"And you agreed to do so without question. Did Mr. Yorke ever tell you that he was planning to pervert the course of rock music?"

Humph: "Er no. He just said he liked jazz. We ended up making an excellent jazz finale which captured the feeling of living as a celebrity, everyone being able to see what you do and passing comment. My flurry of jazz trumpet turned it from a dirge about paranoia to a swinging piece of jazz-rock."

"Mr Yorke, do you have anything you would like to say?"
Yorke: "Leicester square..."
Humph: "King's Road."
Yorke: "MORNINGTON CRESCENT!"

Mr. Yorke, Mr. Lyttleton, if you persist in playing faux-board-games with cult status from Radio 4 panel games, you will be found in contempt of course. I think Mr. Yorke, you will also find you were out of Froop, and couldn't take the swingbridge to Mornington Crescent.

Yorke: "Damn..."

"I would now turn your attentions to exhibit B, Hunting Bears a two minute instrumental which appears not to do anything apart from fill a gap. I put it to you that this is the most pointless piece of music ever recorded."

Yorke: "On the contrary, the sparse guitar sounds, and arabesque distortion whisk the listener away to the far north of Siberia and puts them in mind of a couple of lonely bears chasing lemmings, or whatever else they eat, across the wastes."

"I now direct the courts attention to exhibit C, Morning Bell / Amnesiac. Mr. Yorke why have you included a song that already appears on a previous album? Don't you think you're ripping off your fans?"

Yorke: "Oh no, the Amnesiac version is far superior, full of warmth and life and, I think you'll notice, guitars. The change from the spooky sounding verses to the reassuring chorus is a lovely sequence I feel."

"I call my second witness to the stand. Mr. Divine Cheese. Mr. Cheese, I believe that you found the next track, Like Spinning Plates to be reminiscent of a dream you once had in which you report to have not seen anything apart from velocity."

Cheese: "Er, yeah... I thought the plate captured the intense feeling of that particular episode perfectly, with the synthesised noises travelling backwards, sounding just like what's on the packet. Hey! If you play it backwards, you get a message from Thom asking to be let out of somewhere. I read this great description of that particular track in the NME, where they said it sounded like his voice was being dragged backwards out of his mouth by a centrifuge."

"I rest my case your honour. The traumatic experience this listener has had is proof enough of the abhorrent nature of this album. Such records should not be allowed a release, and this is damaging to the future of good honest rock music, made by bands such as Cast and Ocean Colour Scene."

The court notes that Mr. Cheese makes a bolt for the toilet, wretching as he runs, at the mention of Cast in the same paragraph as Amnesiac.

Case For The Defence - Jarred Rebechhi
"G'day ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I put it to you that in fact, Amnesiac is a vast improvement on Kid A and the experimentation on this album works a right treat. Through my previous objection and the testimonies of the witnesses, we have already seen that the prosecution has no real case to dismiss this album other than liking luddite Britpop hangover bands and feeling animosity towards Mr. Yorke for daring to have a hit record when Ocean Colour Scene can't even hit the top 40."

Prosecution: "Objection your honour - Ocean Colour Scene recently had a top 40 hit."

Objection over-ruled - no-one cares about Ocean Colour Scene any more...

"I present to the court, exhibit D, Packt Like Sardines In A Crushd Tin Box. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury may recognise the kinship between the techno beats and the track on Kid A, Idioteque. Using the same technique of relying totally on cut up beats and synthesised sounds, Radiohead have created another warped and excellent song that stands comparison with any of their previous work. The percussion sounds could even be people trapped inside a sardine tin."

Yorke: "I'm a reasonable man, get off my case!"

"Also your honour, this album relies a lot more on the traditional guitars that all the poms were whinging for after Kid A. I Might Be Wrong shows the perfect mixture of the synths, dance beats and a driving guitar line which almost pumps the whole thing along. It has all the elements of melody that the public had been wanting, and relies equally on dance rhythms and rock guitar. The theme of withdrawal and also doubt weighs heavy on this song, making it possibly one of the strongest in the Radiohead repertoire."

"Pyramid Song, which was the first single released, and a lot of people complained about the lack of singles from the last album, is one of the most emotionally moving songs ever written. It's simple, shonky piano line is gradually accompanied by skewed beats and swirling washes of Egyptian sounding strings building slowly while synths drift around in the background. When the beat finally kicks in, the first time I heard this song I came out in goose bumps, and the layers of sound almost move me to tears. And the lyrics are a real return to Radiohead's glory days. Allow me to recite them:"

"Jumped into the river what did I see?
Black-eyed angels swam with me
A Moon full of stars and astral cars
And all the things I used to see

All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures
And we all went to heaven in a little row-boat
And there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt"

"Mate, these lyrics of resigned apocalyptic terror are a warning to all of us to be careful of our planet. And the computerised video of the guy swimming through the drowned city is incredibly eerie. These nightmarish visions have been realised to an incredible degree, which is what makes this album so compelling - the way that every song can convey a very real emotion to the listener."

"There's even political protest in the form of You And Whose Army which starts out understated like Mr. Yorke is waving his stick at the whole western world asking them to "Come on if you think you can take us all on." Then eventually him and his lightly strummed guitar are joined by the bass and drums, before the mighty crescendo."

Prosecution: "Objection - there is a very blatant attack on the prime minister of Great Britain, Tony Blair when Mr. Yorke sings: "You and all your cronies.""

Objection over-ruled - maybe the smug git won't go back on his election pledges this time.

"Jazzy track, Dollars and Cents makes an excellent accompaniment and sister song to You And Whose Army? albeit in a more jazzy string washed way. And then finally mates, there's Knives Out which even sounds like Paranoid Android at the start. It's a drear, bleak, scary song which casts allusions to canibalism as my client asks us to "Put him in the pot." It even has all the interesting chord sequences which Radiohead patented."

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if you believe in excellent forward-facing music, then you will cast this charge right out of court, where it belongs."

The Verdict
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, how do you find the defendant? Guilty or not Guilty?

"Not Guilty your honour."

Mr. Yorke, it would appear that you are to be acquitted of the charge of making yet another deranged techno album, and allowed to go free, safe in the knowledge that you have created yet another work of absolute genius which will be remembered well by the world. Despite being from the same sessions as Kid A the court believes this to be the better album, but equally we see why the songs herein are not on the previous album. However, you are guilty of the lesser charge of ripping off the BBC Radiophonic workshop...

"Quick Johnny! To The Radiohead-mobile."

- Oh well... next case. Damon Albarn you are charged with the offence of making world music without a license...

Standout Tracks: Packt Like Sardines In A Crushd Tin Box, Pyramid Song, I Might Be Wrong  

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